Do you ever just feel inadequate?
I deleted my Facebook a few days ago to stop myself from comparing my life to others, and it’s been going well, I haven’t had any urges to get back on, I haven’t been missing it… but the whole comparing myself to other people thing has just come in other ways.
Now that I live with my parents again, I’m back to constantly comparing myself to my sisters and how much better they are at life.
I was watching Dance Moms tonight, thinking back to when I was a kid in dance class and thought I was going to be a professional dancer, but I quit in middle school because I wasn’t good. While watching Dance Moms I kept seeing commercial for Kid Genius and started thinking about that chef show with the little kids and I just sit here wondering how is it that there are enough tiny kids in the world that are ridiculously amazing at something at such a young age that we can have multiple shows about them?
That’s when I realized why I haven’t finished my book. I started writing it when I was 10, and as a 10 year old writing a book that was pretty damn cool, but as a 22 year old writing a book it’s somehow less significant.
People keep saying, “don’t rush into marriage, you have your whole life for that” so why do I feel so behind by not being married? I feel like if you’ve found the one you want to be with, you shouldn’t spend any more time not being together, but every time I fall in love it’s with someone I can’t be with.
I just sit here and I look around and take in where I am in life, and I know that I’m still young, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t wasted a lot of time. When I was little I was positive that I was going to be great. I was going to be famous – a singer, an actress, a writer – everybody was going to know my name. I know I’m not going to be great now. I won’t be an actress, or a singer. I might be a writer, if I ever finish my book, but I don’t know that I’ll get it published and if I do I don’t know that many people will ever read it. I just need to figure out a way to be okay with that.
If you’ve read John Green’s novel, The Fault in Our Stars, or seen the film, you’ll be familiar with the scene where Gus and Hazel get into an argument because he’s so upset that he’s not going to be great and well-known. Gus is great, to Hazel. She thinks he’s amazing, she loves him and he is her entire world, and it pains her to feel like that isn’t enough for him. In both the novel and the film, this is the scene that always makes me cry, because of how much I relate to it. I have people who love me and who think I’m wonderful and that really should be enough, but I still lie in bed every night thinking, I can sing, I can act, I can write, I can model, I can read music… but none of that matters because nobody knows. Nobody who matters, nobody who can help me do anything about it.
I guess it all goes back to my very first post, I need to remember that I’m doing fine and I’m where I’m supposed to be, but of course that is easier said than done.
It’s hard to look into the future and see nothing. Where will I be in 5 years? I have no idea. My mind can’t even invent anything, it’s like I either see myself exactly where I am now, or I disappear. It hurts because nobody seems to really get that or be able to help… but I guess that’s where faith is supposed to come in.
Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen… so I am supposed to have faith that there is more to my life than what I have today. That there’s more to me than working in a call center and living with my parents and wishing for this long distance relationship to be different from the last two.
I don’t know where I stand with God right now… I haven’t been to church in years, but I try to read the Bible every day. I try to pray, I’m just not sure how anymore. I’m not 100% sure what I believe. But I know I have to believe in something, because that’s the only way I can keep going, so I choose to believe that my future holds something better. Something positive. Something exciting. I can’t wait to see what it is.