Circles

I’m so tired of people not understanding.

I feel like every conversation with my parents is a waste of time, and I may as well be speaking Latin or something because they just don’t get it, and we just sit there repeating ourselves over and over again.

It makes me hate being alive. Truly.

I feel like a waste of space.

I’m not contributing anything to society.

I sleep, I eat, I work, and that’s it.

I work a job that anyone can do.

I work nights so I’m not available to go out even if I did have somewhere to go out to and someone to go with, which I don’t.

They keep talking about how I could have stayed with my mom’s relatives – distant relatives that I’ve met maybe twice in my life and do not know well at all, so to me it would be the equivalent of living with strangers – in California, as if I didn’t know that was an option.

As if I don’t wake up every day at hate myself for leaving California. Wondering if this was worth it. Wondering if I would have stayed, would things have gotten better, or would I have always returned here eventually? Dealing with the fact that I will never know.

I’m tired of uncomfortable living situations, so I don’t want anymore roommates and I don’t want to live with strangers.

I have a friend in California that I could stay with, I could probably leave tomorrow, but I don’t have a job there and I don’t know how to get one. I could probably go back to Disneyland, but I hate working there. I could probably work at a hotel or something, but that sounds equally awful and unappealing.

I want to do something that is impacting someone’s life somewhere, somehow, so I can feel like I matter and like I have a purpose. Because right now I feel like I’m just taking up precious air by breathing that someone else could be inhaling and actually making an impact.

What is the point in waking up every day to go work in a call center and then come home and sleep and do it again the next day? To pay bills? Bills for a place to live that I only need for the hours I’m not at an awful job, and for a car that I only need to get to the job.

Endless circles.

You know what inspires me? Taylor Swift. She’s done amazing things with her 25 years of life. What have I done with my 22? Nothing.

I like music because when people sing about a feeling that I’m having, I don’t feel alone anymore. I know that the person who wrote that song understands, because they felt it before.

I like books, tv, and movies, because they take me to another world entirely. I can watch someone else struggle through life, but I don’t have the be the one struggling. I can watch them make terrible decisions, but it doesn’t matter because they’re not real. I can watch them make good decisions, and it doesn’t matter because they’re not real.

I did not leave Anaheim because I wanted to. I left because my boyfriend did not have his own apartment at the time, and my best friend and I could not find jobs and get apartments in the time we had allotted to do so.

I am not staying at home because I want to. I’m at home because I don’t know where else to go. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t have money to just get on a plane and travel the world while I write.

I don’t feel called or led by God to do anything in particular, like preach, or be a doctor, or become a humanitarian, or go back to school.

I really don’t feel anything at all, except pain, uselessness, longing, and loss. Pointless. Wasteful.

My family doesn’t understand this. Probably because none of them have ever felt this way. And there is nothing they can say or do to make it better.

It hurts, and it’s irritating, because your parents are supposed to be the ones with the life experience to help you through yours. So who are you supposed to go to when they can’t help?

The obvious choice would be God, but what if he isn’t hearing you? Or he is, but you can’t hear him talking back?

Where do you go? Where do you turn? When you have nothing, and no one?

You go in circles.

Well, I’m done with circles.

This is me, saying goodbye to them.

My 2016 goals were to write my novel, meditate daily to work on my inner peace, and read the bible in a year.

I am making progress on all of those things, and those things are my main focus right now.

When my parents decide to give me a deadline for getting out of the house, I will work on getting an apartment.

I hate my job, and I’m sure my breaking point is near, and when that comes I will strengthen my hunt for a new job.

But for now, what I have is me, my meditation, my bible, and my book. That is all I have, and that has to be enough.

I’m done with circles.

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