I am very inclined to quit everything. I want to give up.
I hate my job. I say this almost everyday, but I still don’t think my family truly understands how much. My sister says it will get better. My mom says hold on until my change comes. Great. I am at my wits end. I am at the crying on the way to and from work, pulling out my hair stage of hate for this job. I have even crafted a letter of resignation. The only thing keeping me from quitting is the fact that I live with my parents, and I don’t want to deal with their reactions to me not having a job. But why keep stressing myself out and being angry and hating life for a paycheck I don’t even need? As long as I’m not paying rent, I may as well quit and give myself some peace, right?
I want to quit praying. Nothing is happening. I don’t feel like God is listening and I don’t feel like God cares. I gave $20 to a homeless man the other day because he was standing on the side of the road with a sign, I was at a stoplight, and I didn’t have any smaller bills. I thought I would feel better, I told myself, “he needs this more than I do, I can get another 20 out of the bank whenever I feel like” but would you believe that I actually felt bad after doing it? I didn’t feel better, I felt annoyed that I gave all my cash to some man on the side of the street. What if he isn’t really homeless? What if he uses the money for drugs? That shouldn’t matter. I did a good deed. I should feel good. But I don’t, so clearly the praying and reading scripture isn’t helping.
My dad says keep praying, God hears me. My mom says she BELIEVES I will get a better job, one with a salary! Well, since mom BELIEVES it much be true, right?
You know what I say? Bullshit.
I am angry. I don’t deserve this.
Remember last week when I talked about loving yourself? I feel like a lot of people struggle with self esteem.
Not me. I think I’m great. I have no problem looking in the mirror and complimenting myself. I am beautiful. I am smart. I can sing. I can read music. I can write. I can clearly communicate my ideas. I may hate my job, but I have some of the best stats on the team. I can perform well under stress.
I have no problem with self esteem.
I have a problem with no one else believing I am as great as I think I am.
That makes me sound egotistical. If I am the only one who thinks it, it can’t be true.
Does that mean I’m not great? I have nothing to offer?
I’m sick of applying for jobs and hearing nothing back. I’m sick of being told that it will get better, because it’s not. I’m sick of the last guy I dated randomly telling me he loves me but never showing it. I’m sick of working a shitty job. I’m sick of being tired. I’m exhausted. I’m sick of having the same conversations with my parents over and over again and them still failing to understand.
Hey mom, you’re so sure I can get a job that doesn’t suck as much as the one I have, with a salary? Show me the job. Show me the company. Show me the job posting. I will apply. Get me an interview. I will kill it.
I am sick of my hard work not being acknowledged or recognized or seen.
I want to be loved by someone as much as I love them.
I want to look forward to work when I leave in the morning.
I want to feel happy, rather than trapped and worthless.
I want to receive tangible help, action, rather than empty words of encouragement.
I want to quit family. What good does it to when their words don’t calm you or make you feel better? When their embrace doesn’t make you feel safe or protected, but uncomfortable? Aren’t parents supposed to protect their children from the pains of the world?
I want to quit reaching out to God. What good is talking to the empty sky? Does God really exist? Think about it. What sense does creating a world out of loneliness make? He could have just populated Heaven to begin with rather than put us all here to suffer before we get there.
I want to quit the pursuit of friendship. What good is it when the friends don’t last? When you give your all and they leave you behind?
I want to quit love. What good is it when it always leaves?
I want to quit, because I am tired.
I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to lay in bed and never get up. I want to be in control of my life and not at the mercy of others just because I can’t figure out how to be successful on my own and nobody can help me.
I can’t control my lack of job opportunities, or friends or family or love, but I can give up. I can quit. That is a choice I can make. That is action I can take.
People say quitting is weak. They say it’s the reason for failure. They say you should never do it.
You know what the idea of quitting feels like to me?
Quitting feels like release.
It feels like escape.
It feels like freedom.