Giving Up vs. Insanity

The job interview went well. Really well, actually. I’m not surprised that it did – I think interviewing is one of my strengths, typically it’s getting the interview in the first place that I struggle with – but I am pleasantly surprised how much I liked the office and my interviewers and think it would be a good environment to work in. If I get offered the job, I’m going to be incredibly stressed out with this decision, but it would feel nice to be given the power to make that decision.

I’m working on being more positive, but sometimes people just make that impossible.

The family went to The Melting Pot tonight for my birthday dinner. It’s my favorite restaurant, it’s fancy and very expensive (but completely worth the price in my opinion) so I typically go about once a year with my sisters.

I was really excited about this dinner, but first we couldn’t leave on time because nobody was ready. Half of us dressed for a night out, and the other half dressed for a night in. The Melting Pot doesn’t have a dress code, but it has a certain decor and atmosphere that you think would inspire people to try a little harder. It’s like when I need to stop at the grocery store, if I’ve got a dress on or work makeup that day, I go to Target, but if I’m in sweats and my hair is in a messy bun, I go to Walmart.

Then my parents are on their phones the entire night. My mom takes here work literally everywhere with her. It doesn’t matter what time it is or where we are, she is on her phone working. There was some basketball game on that my dad would have rather been home watching than being at dinner, so he was preoccupied with that.

Then my dad turns to me and says, “since it’s your day, would you like to pray?” Let’s think about this. I don’t go to church. I have an extremely hard time praying. I don’t know how to pray. I don’t like praying. I feel like praying is a chore, or something I have to do to prove myself to God, but it’s not something I ever have a desire to do or find fun. I have not blessed my food since my family ate dinner together every night when I was in high school. So do I want to pray? Out loud? In public? Absolutely not. But do I want to say this and have to deal with his reaction to it? No. So I just bless the food.

Our family friends arrive late, which is not a big deal because I love them to death, but then of course the adults are loudly talking over everyone and I’m sitting in the middle not really a part of any of the conversations going on, as if I should’t even be there, and eventually I just move to the other side of the table to sit by my sisters, and it’s just like back in the day when we used to visit family in Omaha: Mom and Dad talk to distant relatives we barely know while we quietly sit on the couch and wait for them to tell us it’s time to leave.

Then the waiter tells me I look 16. I know being told you look young is a compliment, but when someone tells you they are celebrating their 23rd birthday, there is a difference between saying “Wow, you look so young I never would have guessed!” and “Oh my gosh you look 16 I was shocked when you ordered a drink.” It’s just not necessary. It’s annoying. And alarming, because now I’m thinking – did I look 9 when I was in high school?!?

In the midst of the dinner conversation, my dad makes a comment about me not having paid vacation days and how that seems similar to my half sister’s job. My half sister is not someone I consider a role model in any way, shape, or form. She and I do not get along and I have no desire to be anything like her, but my parents just love to tell me how alike we are, including how much money we make.

My parents think I don’t make any money at all. Maybe I don’t. But I’m currently earning the largest paycheck I’ve gotten thus far in my working life. I’m 23. I graduated a year ago. I know tons of people who have graduated and are still looking for work, so I’m thankful that I at least have a full time job. I’d like to point out that my half sister is 33, and by her age I sure hope I’m not making the same amount that I’m making now, but my parents are all about the money, as if everyone just walks off stage with their diploma and is handed a salary and benefits.

Which brings me to the irritating factor of how shocked my parents act whenever they hear someone who was in the same grade as me in high school hasn’t graduated college. They have this huge downcast stigma against people who take longer to graduate or who don’t graduate, and it bothers me to no end because they just don’t seem to understand A) how freaking hard it is to get a job, and B) how freaking worthless many degrees are.

I work a job I could have started when I was 18. Many people who work alongside me have degrees, but far more of them do not have degrees. These people are not lesser than me. We all show up – every day – and do the same work. We’re all hardworking, kind people, who are all in the same place. We took different avenues to get here, but it’s the same place. I originally got my job through a sorority sister who I met in college, so pursuing a degree helped me get the job in that respect, but I don’t actually need a college degree to work the job that I have. The people who don’t have degrees are just as capable of doing the job.

I will never refuse to date a person who doesn’t have a degree. College isn’t for everyone. I wouldn’t even say that college is for me. Degrees do not necessarily help you get ahead. Connections and hard work help you get ahead. I want someone who is hard working who understands me and cares for me. I don’t care how much money I make as long as I make enough to afford the things that I need, which I do.

It’s so amazing how sad and angry I ended up on this night that was supposed to be for and about me. It should not be hard for a family to sit and enjoy each other’s company, but mine can’t do that. We are all so annoyed by each other that we really do need to stay completely separated in our own space and not communicate. We’re not good at it.

I just want someone or something to make me feel good about being back here. I want someone to tell me that I made the right decision and that things are going to be okay – because I cannot convince myself that feeling like a stranger in my own house is better than being an actually stranger in someone’s spare bedroom in California.

Where am I supposed to go from here? What is the point? If I’m offered the new job, do I take it just so I can afford the apartment I want, and move out?

Say I get my own apartment, and then I go to work, and then go home and have my own space, and that’s my entire life. It will be lonely. What then?

How do you find what more is out there for you? Where do you find the people who understand? Where do you find the people who care and who can help? Once you find these people, how do you hold onto them?

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

They also say don’t ever give up.

Does that mean I have to be insane in order to keep trying?

If I do… do I want to be insane?

Or would I rather give up?

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The Journey

I have a job interview tomorrow with what seems like a great company, great pay, shorter commute than I currently have… and I don’t want to go.

I got this interview through a staffing agency, and I don’t know why I have a negative view of staffing agencies in my head, but it makes me feel stupid that I even went to one because I couldn’t find my own job. I hate interviewing, and with staffing agencies you have to interview with the agency first, and do a mock phone interview before your real interview with the company, and then go to the actual interview, and it’s just way more work than I want to do because I’m not even excited about the job.

I’m not worried about not acing the interview, I actually think I interview very well. I’m worried about doing well. I’m worried about offering the job.

If they reject me, I don’t have to worry about anything. Everything stays as it is.

But if they offer me the job, I have to take it, right? It would be stupid not to.

You probably think I’m crazy, since I hate my current job, why wouldn’t I jump at the opportunity to have a new one? Especially one that pays so much more?

Well, I’ve finally made friends at my job. I love having people I look forward to seeing every day. This isn’t to say I can’t make friends at a new job, I’ve been pretty good at developing good relationships with coworkers at almost all of the jobs that I’ve had, but I just don’t feel like starting over right now.

Aside from when I worked at the University Center in college, I’ve never had a job for more than 6 months. Everything has been temporary.

I JUST started the job I have – not even three full months ago. Sure, I hate the job, but I love the company and the people and the work environment. I know I can be great there if I give it time, I just don’t know how much time I need or how much time I’m willing to give it.

At the same time though, working in a call center feels temporary. It doesn’t feel like a career. People have certainly made a career of it, and I’m sure I could if I wanted to…but I don’t.

I guess if I’m being completely honest with you, and with myself, I don’t want a career. That’s why I don’t want to go to this interview – why I don’t want to be offered this job. It doesn’t feel temporary, it feels permanent. Like I’ll have to stay and build my career there. Of course I know I’m not required to do that, but if I don’t like it I’ll have to start the job search process all over again.

While I don’t like my job currently, it took me these 2 months to build some pretty good relationships with people and now it’s more than bearable. Of course it’s not what I want to do forever, but you know what I want to do forever? Write. Sing. Model.

I know people make careers out of being authors or actresses or pop stars or models, so it doesn’t really make sense for me to say I don’t want a career, but when I’m having fun I don’t consider it work. I consider writing work because it really isn’t fun to me… but writing is something I feel that I’m good at and I like to get my thoughts out and be heard. Singing is fun, I never ever feel like singing is work, no matter how many hours I have to sing the same line over and over again to get it right or to fix a harmony or successfully copy a good run.

I’m rambling, sorry, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that the idea of going to an office from 9-5 every day and sitting at a desk makes me want to curl up into a ball and die.

As long as I work in a call center and I love at home, it’s temporary. I can’t live at home forever. I can’t work in a call center forever. I’m not stuck. I can come home and I can sing and write and create and still dream about getting my book published, and people think working 5am-130pm sucks but do you know how much extra time it feels like I have in my day when I get off of work at 130?!?

I know that I have to have a career, I have to make money because I have to survive and I have to get out of my parents’ house and be on my own.

I’ve been measuring by moving out by the amount of money I have, I currently have the ability to move out, financially, but I keep telling myself that once I save a little more or get a promotion or a new job and make a little more then I can move to a better place, but I don’t think that’s what I should be measuring it by. I should be measuring it by completion of my goals.

I don’t live at home because I need to save money, I make enough to have an apartment, no matter how small or sad, I can get one. I live at home because I want the freedom to dream that there is something more for me than corporate America. As long as I sleep in my high school bedroom, I am still that girl who was going to be something and do something big and different.

As long as I’m here I don’t have to admit that she’s gone. That I gave up on her to be safe. That I can’t be her anymore.

I don’t know if people can make money off of books anymore. I don’t know if there is any publisher anywhere who would think that my idea or my writing is good enough to publish. I don’t want to pour my heart and soul into this project and then find out that nothing can ever be done with it, but as I sit here writing this, I’m actually crying because of how ridiculous it is that I want something so badly and am so afraid of not getting it that I keep making myself being miserable by doing what I think I should.

Typically when I come home, I waste hours just laying around and thinking. First I decide to work on my book, then I tell myself that I should be spending my time looking for a job, but since I can’t think of a job that I’m passionate enough about to pursue, I don’t do that either, and then I get mad at myself for not being productive that it’s a constant internal argument that never ends.

Maybe this job interview will go really well and I will love the company and actually want to take it.

But I don’t want to end up with so much work that I’m too tired to do the things I actually want to do when I get home.

Working in a call center is stressful, but the absolute best thing is that you can’t take it home with you. You never have to worry about email or calls or anything when you’re not at work. Everything can wait until your next shift.

My mom thinks I eat out too much, and I probably do, because when else am I going to live at home and not pay rent so I can actually afford to get food I like and not eat leftovers?

I think this is it – the breaking point – the motivation I needed. If I don’t want to be shut in an office for the rest of my life, if I want to be a writer, I have to write the book and see what happens. And when else in my life am I going to have as much free time and quiet space as I do right now?

You know how I’m always saying you’re exactly where you need to be? You are. I promise. All the stress, and anger, and sorrow, that is for something. It has to be.

If I didn’t get so angry and so overwhelmed by the mere thought of starting a real career – if I couldn’t see that going through the motions and going to a staffing agency was not something I actually wanted or was interested in – I wouldn’t have the drive to set goals for next month and refocus my energy on things I actually want to do.

Of course, we all have to do things we don’t want from time to time – but I’m done having that internal battle of what I want to do versus what I should do. When I am at work – I have to work. That is the end of the line. I don’t get to take out my phone and play games and snapchat until it’s time to clock out. I have to do the tasks my bosses give me.

But when I’m at home – I don’t have to keep searching for other jobs. I don’t have to move out immediately. I can watch movies. I can write. I can sing. I can make music. I can enjoy being 23 years old, living rent free, and trying to find a way to get out on my own without living on the street or completely losing my mind.

You are exactly where you need to be. If you love where you are, savor it. If you don’t like where you are – it won’t last. All things must end. Focus on the journey.

Chasing Dreams

Camila Cabello’s recent Instagram post resonated with me. She wrote: “When we were 8 years old and we were asked what we wanted to be when we grow up, we would say things like astronaut and scientist and inventor and ballet dancer. but somewhere along the way that little light in us dims and the voice of fear becomes so loud we can’t even hear the voice of our passions anymore. the voice of fear can sound like ur own doubts, it can sound like mean people, it can even sound like ur family or friends- people that laugh at ur dreams like u will never reach them. So we grow up and we settle. we work in jobs we hate. we pick majors we don’t even care about. we stay in places where we cannot express ourselves. we play it safe. and every other person that sacrificed that little kid in them will act like its the normal thing to do. when u choose to take the risk, people will act like you’re the craziest person in the world. GOOD. don’t be normal. Dont let anybody, not even yourself, stop u from becoming who you want to become. don’t let anybody tell you who they think you should become. ur life is a blank canvas. and u can choose any colors u want. so dream big. be kind. work REALLY hard. and no matter how old u get, never ever ever grow up.”

This resonates with me for a few reasons, the strongest being I feel like I’m one of those people who gave up.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be an actress, singer, and model. But I didn’t want to struggle, in case I didn’t succeed. I didn’t want to risk a future of being poor and homeless, so I’ve settled for a steady paycheck and my old room in my parents house.

Reading Camila’s post made me really sad, and actually start to hate myself. Because I’m good at singing. I’m good at modeling. I’m good at acting. Had I stayed in California and actually went for it, really tried, I think I had a decent shot at making it.

That being said, I didn’t do it… and I shouldn’t be beating myself up for that.

I agree that we should all dream big and we should all work hard, but some people don’t get to chase their dreams. Some people have families to take care of, and fulfilling your dream of spending your life savings jetting off to new exotic countries every month is not going to put food on the table.

If you’re one of those people who gave up on your dream to “play it safe” so to speak – that’s okay.

I’m not saying that either choice is better or more admirable. I’m saying that whatever path you choose, it’s your path, and you shouldn’t feel bad about it.

If you’re chasing your dream and people think you’re reckless and crazy, let them think that. Chase your dream. If you gave up on your dream and people think you’re responsible and financially stable but you’re not passionate about what you do and you’re not happy, then find small moments you can take joy in. Find your passion, maybe it’s not in work, maybe you sit for an hour each weekend and paint, but do what works for you and your specific situation.

I don’t think I was ever more carefree than when I studied abroad in London, because that was a once in a lifetime experience for me. That’s what I kept reminding myself whenever something came up that I wanted: when will you ever get the chance to do this again? Want to spend your birthday at Disneyland in Paris? Yes! Want to spend Spring Break in Rome? Absolutely! Want to fall in love in a foreign country, even though there will probably be negative repercussions with the chosen love interest? Go for it. Want to go to a red carpet premiere? Sign me up! Want to go cliff jumping? Why the hell not?!

Since I’ve been home, however, I’m back to the reality of: there will always be another chance. Want to see a movie? I can see it next weekend. Want to go out for drinks after work? There will be more happy hours. Want to go on vacation? I need to save more money. I can go on vacation next year.

I was taught to save, and I save money very well. I don’t buy things I can’t afford, I pay my credit card bill off in full every month, I budget for the things I want and need and I stick to that. I’m so used to that security, that it’s the main reason I came back to STL.

When I was in Anaheim, I hardly ever went out for drinks or to dinner with my friends. I never went shopping for fun, only for groceries. I didn’t have fun because I wasn’t making any money, and since I wasn’t able to save I made my spending as scarce as possible. Which was the responsible thing, I’m sure, but that also kept me from really living in the moment. I have the same problem now, as long as I live at home, I feel like I need to be saving more than half my paycheck, because why else am I living at home if not to save money?

To be honest, that’s holding me back.

If I ask myself what I really and truly want, it’s to go back to Anaheim and be with the man that I love. It would be reckless. It would be crazy. It would be stupid – quitting my job and just moving back there with no plan.

I want to be reckless and crazy. I want to do it.

But I can’t. And I won’t.

I am not a reckless or crazy person. I was not raised that way, I was not built that way.

So I’m playing it safe.

I am biding my time and saving my money in the hopes that someday a better job will come along for me, I’ll meet someone new who lives in my city and fall in love again, I’ll get a raise and be able to get my own place…

Those things may never happen.

Just like I may have spent years auditioning in LA and never booked the role I needed to start my career, I may spend years trying to get a better job and find a husband here, and never find that.

So it’s really not about the choices that we make, it’s about how we react to those.

I have options: I can quit my job, buy a plane ticket, fly to Anaheim, stay with a friend, and see what happens. I can choose love. I can choose passion. I can forget what my family might think of me because it’s MY life, and I shouldn’t be worried about making them happy, I should be worried about making myself happy.

Or…

I can stay here. I can keep going to work, keep talking to people and making connections, trying my hardest to work my way into a leadership position, into a salaried position, into a more creative position. I can be the person my parents raised me to be, someone they are proud of. I can choose security. I can choose safety. I can choose comfort.

And I have to be okay with that.

I’ll be honest with you – I haven’t been working on my novel because I’m afraid to. It’s my dream to finish it, for people to love it, for me to get to go on a book tour, write more books, and one day one of those books be made into a movie, and then I get to move back to Cali. But maybe I’ll finish it, and no one will publish it, and no one will ever read it, and I will have spend most of my life on this project for nothing. I couldn’t bare that – so I do nothing. The ideas sit in my head.

They say “don’t ever give up,” … but you know those people who got on American Idol and said all their friends and family told them they could sing, but they couldn’t – they were honestly horrible, and Simon told them that career wasn’t for them. Sometimes that is what happens – sometimes it’s not for you – sometimes you should give up. But nobody can tell you when to do that – you have to decide on your own.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s okay if you gave up on the little kid inside of you to be safe, but you need to be okay with that. You need to look in the mirror every day and confidently tell yourself you made the right decision because you wanted comfort, and that is what you chose.

If you’re still chasing that dream from that little kid inside of you, you need to be okay with that. Maybe you’re not as successful as you wanted to be, maybe you’ll spend your whole life trying, but people will talk about you. They will say you never gave up. They will admire you. They will envy you.

If you’re angry about your choice, if you’re sad, if you’re confused… you can choose again.

That’s the thing about being human, we can always choose again. You’re not stuck in your house or your job or even your relationship – if you are unhappy, you can make the change.

Some of us need a push – I’ll raise my hand on that – that’s exactly what I need. I don’t know what I need to push me, exactly, but eventually something will push me over the edge – in either direction – and I will make a drastic change.

I don’t want to be known as the girl who gave up, but I also don’t want to be known as the girl who threw her life away to chase something that wasn’t meant for her.

I’m going to start with baby steps, I’m going to try to start posting regular videos on YouTube to see if anyone likes my singing. I’m going to try to start working on my book – regularly. I’m going to get new headshots and see if my agent can find any jobs here for me.

But I’m also going to keep going to work, and saving my money, and praying for a change, until it gets to be too much, and I do something different.

Don’t feel like you aren’t enough exactly the way you are with exactly what you are doing. You are enough, you are perfect. What you’re going through is shaping you and strengthening you for what is to come. Maybe you’re not ready now, but you will be.

It’s not all about chasing dreams. Dreams can change.

You’re exactly where you need to be.

Long Distance Relationships

My take on long distance relationships are that they’re not impossible. I do not think distance is a relationship killer, nor do I think it is a good reason to end a relationship.

That being said, when you choose your deal breakers, those come from your personality and your wants and needs, so I completely understand where someone else who is not like me would see distance as a reason to end the relationship.

Have you ever heard of the love languages? They are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Receiving Gifts, and Acts of Service. You can learn more about these and take the quiz on the link provided, but I find this really interesting. You love language is how you best receive love from another person, whether that be romantic, friendly, or familial, so I recommend taking the quiz a few times with a different person from each relationship set in mind, because your results will change.

For example, when it comes to family, I’m not really a hugger. Physical Touch is low on my list when I take the quiz thinking of a family member, but is medium on my list when I take the quiz in relation to a friend or romantic partner.

Words of Affirmation is always first on my list, not matter who I’m thinking of when I take the quiz, which is why I think I’m so good at long distance relationships. Words go a long way with me, and while I do need the guy to take some action to back up his smooth talking, I need to be told that I am loved and cared for.

A long distance relationship, in my opinion, should never be the end result. That just doesn’t make sense to me. I think long distance should be a means to get to an end, and the end result should be for one of the people to move, so the two can be together.

My first long distance relationship ended because we didn’t have jobs, and our parents were funding our flights to each other (he was also a dirty cheater, but this post is focused on distance), but at some point we were going to have to take over that responsibility and neither of us was financially set up for that yet.

My second long distance relationship strangely ended when the distance ended. When he was away at school, I went to visit him almost every month, and things were great. When he was home, we still considered it long distance because our homes were an hour apart, and I felt it was his turn to come to me, since I’d spent the better part of the last 6 months driving to him. He agreed, but then he just couldn’t make it to me most days he said he would. That was annoying, but I dealt with it. Then we both ended up in California, living only a 6 minute drive from one another, and I no longer wanted to see him. Of course, there were many other factors that went into the termination of this relationship, but I mention this to all the skeptics out there who think distance is impossible – I have first hand experience of a relationship that worked better with distance.

You can date your next door neighbor, and one of you can still fall out of love, decide to cheat, turn crazy, etc.

My third long distance relationship was the first where we really had no plans to see each other. It’s weird because we’re both financially able to, but unfortunately we’re both living with our parents so neither of us has a place for the other to stay, and we’re both working to save up as much money as possible so we can move out, so we really don’t want to take any time off of work. This relationship is slowly dying because in the beginning I was 100% returning to his city, and now I feel like that is absolutely never going to happen, so we’re stuck in this weird limbo.

Can you call a person your significant other if you never see each other? What’s the definition of a boyfriend?

If neither of you is seeing anyone else because you want to be together, but you’re also not seeing each other because you can’t…what do you even call that?

I know couples who are long distance, some see each other every week, some every month, some every 6 months, some even longer than that… it just depends on what they can work out.

I don’t consider this guy my boyfriend anymore because he doesn’t talk to me enough, and as I said, Words of Affirmation is my top love language. I’ve never met a male who’s top love language isn’t Physical Touch, so I’ve always blamed that for the reason my long distance relationships fail… but it’s interesting, isn’t it? Three long distance relationships in a row… you’d think I’d swear off them by now, right? But I’m starting to think it’s the love language thing…

What I mean by this is I really want someone I can talk to every day. Sure, kissing is nice, if the person isn’t bad at it, and everyone loves to cuddle, but the intimate part of my relationships has gone so badly with everyone I’ve ever dated, I think I feel safer in long distance relationships. When I’m in one of those, all we can do is talk. I don’t have to worry about anything else – I don’t have to worry about him breaking dates, whining about needing sex all the time, stressing out about what gifts to exchange on what holidays and how much to spend – all of that is gone – and it’s just talking.

They say you have to really know and love yourself before you can get to know and love another person… so now that I know that about myself, maybe I should just be alone. Maybe I’m supposed to be.

I don’t really care if I’m not dating, if I had a best friend to talk to every day and hang out with occasionally that would be just as awesome, if not more awesome, than a boyfriend. But I can’t find that person either…so where to go from here?

Being Your Own Best Friend

Things are looking up on the job front – don’t have any new prospects, but I did apply for various jobs internally since I like my current company. So far I’ve only gotten an interview for one of the positions; I didn’t get it, but the position is with my current department and since the interview I’ve gotten some meetings with my managers and directors and the people above me now know my skills and career goals and are going to help me make some connections in the marketing department. I’ve also gotten to do emails and train new hires, so I am being given more work to switch up my day and not have to spend a straight 8 hours on the phone, and you have no idea how big a difference getting even a 1 hour break from the phone is, so that’s pretty magical.

I was feeling extra lonely the other day, so I decided to try out some dating apps, but as it turns out, Plenty of Fish and OkCupid are the only two I could find with okay reviews that don’t require a Facebook account to log in. I didn’t feel like reactivating my Facebook just to get on a dating app, so I downloaded those two. Had them both for 48 hours, got some ridiculous messages, some gross messages, and some nice messages. At the end of the day I was just super overwhelmed with getting 80 messages a day, wasn’t attracted to anyone I saw on there, and nobody’s profile jumped out at me, so I deleted the accounts. But I recommend them as a confidence booster! Maybe one day when I move out I’ll try Match or eHarmony. Husband, I hope you’re out there!

My mom thinks God keeps taking my best friends and my boyfriends away because I’m supposed to be making God my best friend, and maybe she’s right, but if she is that really sucks because I don’t even think it’s possible to make God my best friend. I believe in God, and I think he listens to me, but praying more or less feels the same as talking to myself in the mirror, or sitting and staring at a wall thinking, because God doesn’t talk back to me. I’m not getting any signs or dreams or visions about what I’m supposed to be doing, and I could look at this various ways: I’m friendless and lonely because I’m not spending enough time with God and he’s trying to force me to spend more time with him, or: I’m friendless and lonely because I don’t go anywhere but work. I’m not reaching out to anyone to try to cultivate connections I’ve made before, I didn’t even give online dating a good try and quit after 48 hours, and it’s not like a new friend is going to just show up and ring my doorbell.

So how am I supposed to know which way I’m supposed to be looking at it?

It’s kind of like, whenever you go through a breakup, your friends tell you how stupid the person who broke up with you is and it’s their loss and blah blah blah, but after you get dumped 5 times, you have to start looking at yourself, right? The friends I had in high school can’t possibly all be stuck up bitches. I have to have done something to drive them away. I’m the one people randomly stop responding to and don’t want to hang out with, so there has to be something really irritating about me.

The problem is, if these people don’t tell me, I don’t know what it is. I’m very open and forthcoming, and I like that about myself. I think I’m funny sometimes. I’m smart. I really am my own best friend, because nobody knows me better than me.

I don’t really have a problem spending time by myself, it’s more that I want to choose to do that, and not do it just because I don’t have anyone that wants to spend time with me.

That’s what I like about online dating – you get all these messages from people who think you’re great (or think you’re attractive and just want to have sex but let’s say out of 80 messages at least 5 have to be genuine, right?), and you get to pick and choose who you respond to. You can respond to everyone, or no one. You can start new conversations with people who haven’t messaged you yet. There’s a lot more freedom.

So since I don’t have this freedom in choosing who is in my life, because I can’t seem to meet anyone who really cares to stay in it, I worry that it’s going to be like this forever.

Even if it isn’t forever, even if I do believe things will get better and I will have a best friend again… that could be a really long time. It could be just a month, but that month is going to feel like a really long time.

And being my own best friend is nice. I can laugh at my own jokes, I don’t have to worry about not liking the movie I pick, I like all the comments I have to make about TV shows or movies or books I’m reading. I don’t have to consider anyone else’s tastes when I order pizza.

But being my own best friend also sucks. There’s no debate – no conversation. No one to offer a new opinion and explain it. No one to discuss the TV shows and books and movies with. No one to look forward to seeing, to run and tackle in the front yard because I’m so excited to see them. No one to cuddle at night but my stuffed animal.

There are pros and cons to all aspects of life. It’s partially in the outlook.

I say partially, because having a positive outlook doesn’t mean you won’t still have negative feelings.

So what I want to say to anyone who is struggling like me, it is going to get better. Everything ends. You know all those good memories you have and how sad you are that they didn’t last? Well bad things end, too. So, one day, this will be over, and you’ll have more good memories.

But to the people waiting for us struggling people to get over it, know that it may take a very long time to get better. It may take a short time – but no matter how long it takes, it’s going to feel like a long and miserable process until the progress happens. So be patient and quit telling us to get over it.

And if God is supposed to be my best friend, hi, God! Please respond.

Look for small victories. Celebrate each one like it’s the best thing to happen in life.

The other night I got to leave work for 2 hours to do a photoshoot. It wasn’t particularly fun, but I was so happy I got that 2 hour break that I came home in an amazing mood. The mood didn’t last until morning, but it was a small victory. I celebrated. I was allowed that.

I wish you all peace this week. Keep fighting!