Things are looking up on the job front – don’t have any new prospects, but I did apply for various jobs internally since I like my current company. So far I’ve only gotten an interview for one of the positions; I didn’t get it, but the position is with my current department and since the interview I’ve gotten some meetings with my managers and directors and the people above me now know my skills and career goals and are going to help me make some connections in the marketing department. I’ve also gotten to do emails and train new hires, so I am being given more work to switch up my day and not have to spend a straight 8 hours on the phone, and you have no idea how big a difference getting even a 1 hour break from the phone is, so that’s pretty magical.
I was feeling extra lonely the other day, so I decided to try out some dating apps, but as it turns out, Plenty of Fish and OkCupid are the only two I could find with okay reviews that don’t require a Facebook account to log in. I didn’t feel like reactivating my Facebook just to get on a dating app, so I downloaded those two. Had them both for 48 hours, got some ridiculous messages, some gross messages, and some nice messages. At the end of the day I was just super overwhelmed with getting 80 messages a day, wasn’t attracted to anyone I saw on there, and nobody’s profile jumped out at me, so I deleted the accounts. But I recommend them as a confidence booster! Maybe one day when I move out I’ll try Match or eHarmony. Husband, I hope you’re out there!
My mom thinks God keeps taking my best friends and my boyfriends away because I’m supposed to be making God my best friend, and maybe she’s right, but if she is that really sucks because I don’t even think it’s possible to make God my best friend. I believe in God, and I think he listens to me, but praying more or less feels the same as talking to myself in the mirror, or sitting and staring at a wall thinking, because God doesn’t talk back to me. I’m not getting any signs or dreams or visions about what I’m supposed to be doing, and I could look at this various ways: I’m friendless and lonely because I’m not spending enough time with God and he’s trying to force me to spend more time with him, or: I’m friendless and lonely because I don’t go anywhere but work. I’m not reaching out to anyone to try to cultivate connections I’ve made before, I didn’t even give online dating a good try and quit after 48 hours, and it’s not like a new friend is going to just show up and ring my doorbell.
So how am I supposed to know which way I’m supposed to be looking at it?
It’s kind of like, whenever you go through a breakup, your friends tell you how stupid the person who broke up with you is and it’s their loss and blah blah blah, but after you get dumped 5 times, you have to start looking at yourself, right? The friends I had in high school can’t possibly all be stuck up bitches. I have to have done something to drive them away. I’m the one people randomly stop responding to and don’t want to hang out with, so there has to be something really irritating about me.
The problem is, if these people don’t tell me, I don’t know what it is. I’m very open and forthcoming, and I like that about myself. I think I’m funny sometimes. I’m smart. I really am my own best friend, because nobody knows me better than me.
I don’t really have a problem spending time by myself, it’s more that I want to choose to do that, and not do it just because I don’t have anyone that wants to spend time with me.
That’s what I like about online dating – you get all these messages from people who think you’re great (or think you’re attractive and just want to have sex but let’s say out of 80 messages at least 5 have to be genuine, right?), and you get to pick and choose who you respond to. You can respond to everyone, or no one. You can start new conversations with people who haven’t messaged you yet. There’s a lot more freedom.
So since I don’t have this freedom in choosing who is in my life, because I can’t seem to meet anyone who really cares to stay in it, I worry that it’s going to be like this forever.
Even if it isn’t forever, even if I do believe things will get better and I will have a best friend again… that could be a really long time. It could be just a month, but that month is going to feel like a really long time.
And being my own best friend is nice. I can laugh at my own jokes, I don’t have to worry about not liking the movie I pick, I like all the comments I have to make about TV shows or movies or books I’m reading. I don’t have to consider anyone else’s tastes when I order pizza.
But being my own best friend also sucks. There’s no debate – no conversation. No one to offer a new opinion and explain it. No one to discuss the TV shows and books and movies with. No one to look forward to seeing, to run and tackle in the front yard because I’m so excited to see them. No one to cuddle at night but my stuffed animal.
There are pros and cons to all aspects of life. It’s partially in the outlook.
I say partially, because having a positive outlook doesn’t mean you won’t still have negative feelings.
So what I want to say to anyone who is struggling like me, it is going to get better. Everything ends. You know all those good memories you have and how sad you are that they didn’t last? Well bad things end, too. So, one day, this will be over, and you’ll have more good memories.
But to the people waiting for us struggling people to get over it, know that it may take a very long time to get better. It may take a short time – but no matter how long it takes, it’s going to feel like a long and miserable process until the progress happens. So be patient and quit telling us to get over it.
And if God is supposed to be my best friend, hi, God! Please respond.
Look for small victories. Celebrate each one like it’s the best thing to happen in life.
The other night I got to leave work for 2 hours to do a photoshoot. It wasn’t particularly fun, but I was so happy I got that 2 hour break that I came home in an amazing mood. The mood didn’t last until morning, but it was a small victory. I celebrated. I was allowed that.
I wish you all peace this week. Keep fighting!