The Journey

I have a job interview tomorrow with what seems like a great company, great pay, shorter commute than I currently have… and I don’t want to go.

I got this interview through a staffing agency, and I don’t know why I have a negative view of staffing agencies in my head, but it makes me feel stupid that I even went to one because I couldn’t find my own job. I hate interviewing, and with staffing agencies you have to interview with the agency first, and do a mock phone interview before your real interview with the company, and then go to the actual interview, and it’s just way more work than I want to do because I’m not even excited about the job.

I’m not worried about not acing the interview, I actually think I interview very well. I’m worried about doing well. I’m worried about offering the job.

If they reject me, I don’t have to worry about anything. Everything stays as it is.

But if they offer me the job, I have to take it, right? It would be stupid not to.

You probably think I’m crazy, since I hate my current job, why wouldn’t I jump at the opportunity to have a new one? Especially one that pays so much more?

Well, I’ve finally made friends at my job. I love having people I look forward to seeing every day. This isn’t to say I can’t make friends at a new job, I’ve been pretty good at developing good relationships with coworkers at almost all of the jobs that I’ve had, but I just don’t feel like starting over right now.

Aside from when I worked at the University Center in college, I’ve never had a job for more than 6 months. Everything has been temporary.

I JUST started the job I have – not even three full months ago. Sure, I hate the job, but I love the company and the people and the work environment. I know I can be great there if I give it time, I just don’t know how much time I need or how much time I’m willing to give it.

At the same time though, working in a call center feels temporary. It doesn’t feel like a career. People have certainly made a career of it, and I’m sure I could if I wanted to…but I don’t.

I guess if I’m being completely honest with you, and with myself, I don’t want a career. That’s why I don’t want to go to this interview – why I don’t want to be offered this job. It doesn’t feel temporary, it feels permanent. Like I’ll have to stay and build my career there. Of course I know I’m not required to do that, but if I don’t like it I’ll have to start the job search process all over again.

While I don’t like my job currently, it took me these 2 months to build some pretty good relationships with people and now it’s more than bearable. Of course it’s not what I want to do forever, but you know what I want to do forever? Write. Sing. Model.

I know people make careers out of being authors or actresses or pop stars or models, so it doesn’t really make sense for me to say I don’t want a career, but when I’m having fun I don’t consider it work. I consider writing work because it really isn’t fun to me… but writing is something I feel that I’m good at and I like to get my thoughts out and be heard. Singing is fun, I never ever feel like singing is work, no matter how many hours I have to sing the same line over and over again to get it right or to fix a harmony or successfully copy a good run.

I’m rambling, sorry, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that the idea of going to an office from 9-5 every day and sitting at a desk makes me want to curl up into a ball and die.

As long as I work in a call center and I love at home, it’s temporary. I can’t live at home forever. I can’t work in a call center forever. I’m not stuck. I can come home and I can sing and write and create and still dream about getting my book published, and people think working 5am-130pm sucks but do you know how much extra time it feels like I have in my day when I get off of work at 130?!?

I know that I have to have a career, I have to make money because I have to survive and I have to get out of my parents’ house and be on my own.

I’ve been measuring by moving out by the amount of money I have, I currently have the ability to move out, financially, but I keep telling myself that once I save a little more or get a promotion or a new job and make a little more then I can move to a better place, but I don’t think that’s what I should be measuring it by. I should be measuring it by completion of my goals.

I don’t live at home because I need to save money, I make enough to have an apartment, no matter how small or sad, I can get one. I live at home because I want the freedom to dream that there is something more for me than corporate America. As long as I sleep in my high school bedroom, I am still that girl who was going to be something and do something big and different.

As long as I’m here I don’t have to admit that she’s gone. That I gave up on her to be safe. That I can’t be her anymore.

I don’t know if people can make money off of books anymore. I don’t know if there is any publisher anywhere who would think that my idea or my writing is good enough to publish. I don’t want to pour my heart and soul into this project and then find out that nothing can ever be done with it, but as I sit here writing this, I’m actually crying because of how ridiculous it is that I want something so badly and am so afraid of not getting it that I keep making myself being miserable by doing what I think I should.

Typically when I come home, I waste hours just laying around and thinking. First I decide to work on my book, then I tell myself that I should be spending my time looking for a job, but since I can’t think of a job that I’m passionate enough about to pursue, I don’t do that either, and then I get mad at myself for not being productive that it’s a constant internal argument that never ends.

Maybe this job interview will go really well and I will love the company and actually want to take it.

But I don’t want to end up with so much work that I’m too tired to do the things I actually want to do when I get home.

Working in a call center is stressful, but the absolute best thing is that you can’t take it home with you. You never have to worry about email or calls or anything when you’re not at work. Everything can wait until your next shift.

My mom thinks I eat out too much, and I probably do, because when else am I going to live at home and not pay rent so I can actually afford to get food I like and not eat leftovers?

I think this is it – the breaking point – the motivation I needed. If I don’t want to be shut in an office for the rest of my life, if I want to be a writer, I have to write the book and see what happens. And when else in my life am I going to have as much free time and quiet space as I do right now?

You know how I’m always saying you’re exactly where you need to be? You are. I promise. All the stress, and anger, and sorrow, that is for something. It has to be.

If I didn’t get so angry and so overwhelmed by the mere thought of starting a real career – if I couldn’t see that going through the motions and going to a staffing agency was not something I actually wanted or was interested in – I wouldn’t have the drive to set goals for next month and refocus my energy on things I actually want to do.

Of course, we all have to do things we don’t want from time to time – but I’m done having that internal battle of what I want to do versus what I should do. When I am at work – I have to work. That is the end of the line. I don’t get to take out my phone and play games and snapchat until it’s time to clock out. I have to do the tasks my bosses give me.

But when I’m at home – I don’t have to keep searching for other jobs. I don’t have to move out immediately. I can watch movies. I can write. I can sing. I can make music. I can enjoy being 23 years old, living rent free, and trying to find a way to get out on my own without living on the street or completely losing my mind.

You are exactly where you need to be. If you love where you are, savor it. If you don’t like where you are – it won’t last. All things must end. Focus on the journey.

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