God Showed Up Today

Last night was one of those nights I went to bed thinking, “God, I don’t want to wake up tomorrow.”

I didn’t want to wake up in this world, in this version of America where every passing day tells me that I will always be sad, angry, and tired, because as a woman and a minority I will always be undervalued and overlooked.

Many days I think God doesn’t care about me. I watch other people falling in love and it reminds me of the string of tragedies that has been my romantic experience. I watch other people go out and party excessively, but still manage to pop up and make it to work, and wonder why I’m having a hard time just getting off of the couch to do a 10 minute exercise video. I wonder why God isn’t blessing me because I’m “good.”

Comparison is the thief of all joy, and we are all on our own journey. I know I can’t keep comparing. I know that isn’t how it works.

People say just keep doing what you’re doing and God will show up. That infuriates me. Months of praying and worshipping and volunteering and waiting, to no avail, gets exhausting.

But God showed up for me today.

The second I got in the car, Danny Gokey’s “Haven’t Seen It Yet” was playing on the radio. If you know me, you know that music is my heart and soul, and God used that song to tell me He’s listening, He’s here, and I haven’t seen what He’s up to yet, but I will, I just need to be patient.

It’s a tiny thing. It made me happy for a short time, but it was enough to keep doing what I’m doing until the next time I ask God to take me away and He tells me no, and that I need to stay put.

I know it will happen again, because that’s how depression works. There will always be dark nights, or days, or weeks, or months, or seasons.

My trust in and love for God does not come from a place of Him making all the bad things disappear, but simply knowing that I can go to him in the midst of the inevitable bad things, and He will give me peace.

Too many Christians are missing this. Too many think there is only one good and right way to live, and our job is to both live that way and go out and force everyone else to do the same.

I don’t believe that is what we are called to do. I believe we are called to share the good news, as I have done here.

It’s on my heart to share this testimony of a low moment and how God brought me out of it… because I don’t think God liked the thoughts I was having last night. They did not please Him. I doubt God took any joy in me essentially asking Him to end my life, because He gave me the gift of life and I should appreciate that.

But I still had the thoughts. I’ve had them before, and I will have them again.

And God forgives me, because that’s who He is.

The same way He forgives any negative behavior, both one time and reoccurring, because He loves us. He gave us free will; He knew that would lead to mistakes. That’s okay.  It’s how we learn.

Deep down, I think anger is just disguised fear. Being alone makes me angry because I feel like I deserve a partner, but I’m really afraid that lasting love is not in my future.

We seem to be so afraid of that which we don’t understand… so can we talk about it?

What if, instead of swaying another’s opinion or having our own heard, our goal was simply to understand?

What if each of us truly took steps to empathize? To cast aside our own background, experience, upbringing, and hear about another while actively attempting to understand and acknowledge their thoughts as valid?

What if doing so cost some of our power and influence? What if it changed our thought pattern?

What if we were inspired to do what we say we want and truly be equal… or admit that in our heart of hearts we want something else, entirely?

God showed up for me today, in the smallest of ways but it impacted my heart and I’m grateful for that. In a world where I don’t feel seen, heard, or supported, I appreciate my creator reminding me that I don’t need the world to support me. Just God.

Non-believers, if this doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work for you. I’m fine with that. Let’s talk about what does work for you. What picks you up when you’re down? What keeps you going? What motivates you?

Believers, we cannot force the world into the design that God originally intended. It’s impossible. So please, let’s love and support each other. Fully. All of us.

 

The Right One

We hear it all the time.

Relationship doesn’t work out? They weren’t the right one.

Job doesn’t pan out? Not the right one.

Don’t get into the school of your dreams? It’s not the right one for you.

Think of your most recent heartbreak.

Not one you’re experience right now, but one you’re on the other side of.

What if they were exactly the right one?

The person who broke your heart, the pet you lost, the severed friendship… imagine yourself before and after that pain.

You’re different.

Not necessarily better.

You may have been sober, and then got your heart broken and went over the edge.

But what if that was exactly what you needed to do in order to put the work in and be who you are today?

Maybe the right one doesn’t exist.

Or maybe every one is the right one.

I can’t say any of my romantic relationships ended amicably, but I can say I don’t regret a single one of them.

I’m often told I’m single because I haven’t found the right one yet, but I don’t believe that.

I’ve found the right one multiple times.

Each one has been exactly the right one for that season of my life.

I’ve learned, I’ve grown, I’ve stumbled, I’ve backslid, I’ve fallen, and I’ve rebuilt.

Right now the right one for me is me. And that’s okay.

No job is going to fall out of the sky and be the right one — okay, it might. Anything is possible! But you might have to make your job the right one. Or create a new one.

You can blame failed relationships on timing or people, but it’s really about finding someone who is willing and able to put the same amount of work in as you. Or more, when you put in less, and less, when you put in more.

If you don’t get accepted into the program of your dreams, that doesn’t automatically mean it’s not for you. Maybe it’s not time. Apply again. Maybe a different school/organization offers a similar program that you would not have looked into had you not received that initial rejection.

You’re doing fine.

You’re right where you need to be.

Uniqueness

I’m kicking off the first 100 days of 2019 with a devotional a friend gave me for Christmas, 100 Days to Brave: Devotions for Unlocking Your Most Courageous Self by Annie F. Downs. I’m loving it so far and highly recommend checking it out, but mention it because today’s topic of uniqueness is what inspired this post.

The author addresses how God made each of us with intention; it is no accident that no two of us are the same.

It’s been said that comparison is the thief of all joy, and I believe this to be true. In the social media age that we live in, comparison seems down right impossible, so it helps to consciously remind yourself of the context. Catch yourself in the thought “this person is perfect” and ask yourself some questions: are they famous? if so, they likely have a stylist, hair & makeup team, etc. so of course every single post is going to have great lighting and show them looking their best. Think about the number of pictures you’ve taken of your food before you got the one you posted… that food blogger probably did the same thing.

You are you, and you are not a mistake. You have the training and skills that you have because they are specific to your personal path.

Sometimes our talents or their uses are difficult to see so we’ve got to help each other.

I have a friend who makes her own planner stickers. I buy mine off of Etsy, so when she told me how much time she spent designing her stickers, I suggested she start her own Etsy shop. There are tons of sticker shops on there; I saw no reason why she couldn’t own one, too, but she immediately gave me a list of excuses as to why she could not start a shop, going on an on about how many people were already doing it, how much work it would be, etc. I asked her how much of it she would really consider “work.” When she first spoke to me about designing the stickers, she spoke with such passion. She loves it. I, on the other hand, thought it sounded like a large amount of work that was dull and mundane, which is why I prefer to purchase my stickers, but she loves designing. She has softened to the idea since our initial conversation, and now I check in on her every so often to make sure she is working on it (and she is).

I have a co-worker who does wedding planning on the side, and she doesn’t have a website. She said she doesn’t have the time to create one or to handle the influx of customers it would bring. She can’t be a wedding planning full time with her current job. “But what if you are supposed to be a wedding planner?” I asked her. “What if this job’s purpose is to stabilize the start of a different career that you love?” Now she’s thinking about it.

Can you see your friends’ talents in ways that they can’t? Ask how they envision you using yours.

Throughout the years I’ve heard many complain about how the person who sits next to them in an office or classroom did not work as hard as they did to get there and it was unfair. I, too, have been guilty of the thought, “this can be done without a college degree, why did I get one?” But consider this: the work that you went through on the journey to today was not for the same purpose as the person sitting next to you. Maybe you will become the CEO of the company and the guy across the office will take what he learned and start his own company, completely unrelated to your current business. Or maybe his company will become a competitor to yours. Who knows?

The point is that we are all on our own path. We are unique. We are individual. This is okay. This is good.

I say good and not easy, because life is not easy. Being unique isn’t easy. Especially when we cannot see the purpose.

The preteen being bullied for their love of cartoons doesn’t know they’re going to become an artist at an animation studio. They just know they’re being bullied and want to hide their interest so they can fit in, because that’s what’s important at that age.

Just like you may not know how today’s experience is going to affect tomorrow.

Trust that you are exactly where you need to be, today, in this moment.

Embrace what is unique about you.

You have your own purpose in this world that is for you and you alone to fulfill.

Finding a Church Home

This is one accomplishment from 2018 that I am most proud of, and the first time I looked for a church to get involved in I really had no idea how to go about making the decision, so for anyone else embarking on this journey, here are some tips I picked up along the way.

What are you looking for? You might not know, and that is totally fine. If you do, it helps to keep a list. I started by listing off things I needed that my current church could not provide (i.e, a young adult group).

Do your research. Since we have the Internet, you don’t have to drive around and visit every church you see to find your best fit. Check the websites for the values and mission statements and make a list of those you are most interested in.

Bring a friend. No matter what age you are, going somewhere new for the first time can be scary. If you have anxiety like me, you may find yourself sitting in the parking lot summoning the courage to walk inside. Having a familiar face by your side will make this much easier. If a friend is not available to go with you, check out the church website – many of them offer a service where you can schedule your visit ahead of time and have someone meet you to answer any questions and give you a tour. I did this once and the girl even sat with me through service, which was very nice.

Ask questions. If you’re visiting a small church where everyone knows everyone, they will notice new members and likely start a conversation with you, but if you are visiting a larger church, try introducing yourself to someone before the service and letting them know you are visiting, and then after the service see if they are open to discussing the church more. Visit the information kiosk before or after the service and ask about groups, classes, child care, etc. Schedule a meeting with the pastor (or member of the pastoral team or staff member, depending on how the church is structured) and go in depth with your questions about the church’s mission and beliefs. Ask about teaching style (do you prefer conversational or preachy? do you like a full lecture or more of a Q&A?) , the music (what is the genre? is it the same every week?), and getting involved (what are you interested in and how will you go about getting involved?). Is there a membership process, and if so what does that entail from start to finish?

Give places a chance, but go with your gut. My general rule was to visit each church three times – yes, this is just under a month of attendance and if you’ve got multiple churches on your list this will take a long time. But why rush it? Some churches do not have the same speaker every week, do not have the same music every week, or do not take communion every week, so I set the expectation that it would take multiple visits for me to experience everything that I wanted. That being said, of course there were places I only visited one time because I could tell right away that they were not the place for me. If you’re uncomfortable, listen to that feeling, but also identify why (is it because you’re in a new place with strangers and you have anxiety, or did a member/leader say something that does not sit well with you?)

Ask God for guidance. I found it helpful to ask God to make it clear if he wanted me to return somewhere or if it was okay to move on. Just because it’s not the place for you specifically to get plugged in does not mean that God is not there and doing great and powerful things through, with, and for others.

Acknowledge that there is no perfect church. Just like when looking for a new house or school, there are pros and cons to everything. If you are searching for the perfect church then you will be searching forever. After I narrowed my choices to places that shared my values, had a mission that empowered me, and taught in a way I understood, enjoyed, and felt growth, music and diversity were at the top of my list as the deciding factors. It came down to two places, one had the diversity and the other had the music. The church that was more culturally diverse was much bigger, and when I spoke with them about getting on the worship team, I was told that I would probably get to sing once every six months. The church with much less diversity had a growing worship team where I could sing almost every week and I would have leaders working with me on my voice, honing my guitar and piano skills, writing, and more. That is the one I picked, because it had the most opportunity for personal growth and I want to be somewhere where I am constantly learning and growing so that I am at my best and full potential to help others.

Along with the no perfect church notion, I think it’s important to mention that while every Christian needs a church home, there is no reason not to visit another. Maybe the church you regularly attend does not offer a class that you’re interested in taking. Find a church that does, take it, and maybe you’ll be the one to start it up at your home base!

When I was growing up, I went to church multiple days a week, I was very involved so beyond Sunday School and service there was youth group, choir practice, etc. but even though I was there so often, I hardly ever invited friends and it never occurred to me to ask a friend to take me to their church or to visit anywhere else and learn about other styles of teaching or worship. I talk about my faith much more openly with friends as an adult than I did as a teen, and it has opened so many doors to us visiting each other’s churches (which at times could be different faiths) and learning more about God and each other through it all.

Create What Doesn’t Exist

I hope 2019 is treating you well!

I’ve been reading and watching videos on success, and most seem to agree that the hardest part of reaching any goal is getting started.

Visualizing what you want is easy, but how do you get there?

I’ve been longing for a close knit group of friends for many years now. Whenever something went wrong, I would scroll through my contacts feeling sad that I didn’t feel close enough to anyone to reach out to them. I wasted lots of time scrolling through social media watching other people have fun with their friends and feeling left out. Sometimes a group would invite me to something, and I would go, thinking, “this is my time, this is my chance” and then I wouldn’t have a good time. I found myself spending the evening watching the group of friends grow closer, but somehow I couldn’t connect and I didn’t belong.

In December I wrote down my 2019 goals and one of them was to have a close group of girlfriends. A tribe, if you will. I didn’t believe in the goal as I wrote it down. I tried various groups in 2018 and none had the desired effect, so how could I think that 2019 would be any different?

Then I seemed to hear a voice say, “make your own group.” (I hope this was God. Many people tell me God speaks to them, and I’ve always thought “why do you get to hear the voice of God and not me?!” but this wasn’t an audible voice – it was just a thought, like all the other thoughts in my head, but more prominent and lingering)

Thinking back on all the groups I tried last year (three church serve ministries, a women’s group, a young adult group, three meetup groups), I was able to identify one or two people I met in each setting that I had a connection with and wanted to build on.

So last week I invited all of these people over to meet. I bribed them with snacks and asked them to come prepared with their goals for the new year and what would help them achieve it (for example, a writer might ask for a weekly text of encouragement that they receive inspiration for their current project).

The night went much better than I expected. One of the girls had a goal to learn how to knit, while another knew how to knit and agreed to teach her. Before that night, I didn’t know either of them had an interest in knitting. I think everyone left with a new friend.

I tell this story hoping it will spark some light in your life – if there is something you want in your life that you can’t find, you have the power to make it.

As simple as the concept is, it’s not easy to see because it takes time.

I spent two and a half years taking every class my church offered before I made one real friendship. I didn’t enjoy the classes or the ministries I served in. It felt like a waste of time. I eventually left that church, but the friend I have now made the effort that I put in worth it, and she led me to my current church which I love more than anything and am connecting with people very well.

It’s a new year. If you know what you want, think about the tools that you have to create it.

If you don’t know what you want, think about the tools you have to discover it.

Let It Be What It Is

Maybe it was supposed to be just one date. Whether bad or a good, it doesn’t have to turn into anything else – not a full blown relationship, not a friendship, and not an enemy.

Maybe that friend was supposed to get you through college. Whether they kept you on track academically or helped you blow off steam (or both), they don’t have to stand next to you at your wedding, or be in your life forever.

Everything may happen for a reason, but that does not mean we get to know and understand the reasons for each individual event in our lives.

Your smile to a stranger on the subway may be the light they need to stop contemplating suicide, and you may never see them again to know that.

We need to stop trying to force everything into a box of what we personally see as meaningful, because sometimes we don’t get to see it or feel it.

Trust that it’s happening.

Let things be what they are!

So that person didn’t call you back. That doesn’t mean dinner was terrible. You have no idea what else is going on in their life.

So you didn’t get the job. Do you feel like you crushed the interview? Did you walk out of there feeling like you got the job? Take that confidence into your next interview.

You’re doing fine – more than fine. You are exactly where you need to be.

Perseverance or Insanity?

Perseverance: steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.

Insanity: extreme foolishness or irrationality.

At what point does steadfastness become foolishness?

How long do you go after something you want?

Your dream.

That person you love.

A new job.

When do you know to choose between “if you love something, set it free, and if it comes back, then it was meant to be” and “never give up on something you can’t go a day without thinking about” ?

The answer?

Only you know.

Annoying, I know, but here’s what I’m saying: your steadfastness is different than mine. Your foolishness is different than mine.

It would be foolish of me to run a marathon tomorrow, but it would not be foolish of someone who wanted to run the marathon and trained for it.

Let other people call you foolish or insane. It’s true in their minds.

Who cares, if it’s not true in yours?

Make Beautiful

It’s not always easy to see, and sometimes it takes years, but never stop looking for the beauty in everything 💕

Lukewarm is No Good

You Owe Them Nothing

I took a break from posting for a bit because I wasn’t feeling authentic…I was spending a great deal of time looking for good quotes to inspire other people but realized I wasn’t believing the words or feeling inspired myself.

After various conversations that ended in anger because people didn’t “get” what I was trying to say, or them telling me what I need to do to find happiness and fulfill my dreams while completely ignoring the reasons why I have not done said things, I have returned to my original conclusion: I don’t owe anyone an explanation.

While you’re working on you, it’s definitely helpful to have a support system. Whether it’s an accountability partner to keep you on track with workouts and healthy eating, a life coach to check in on your self-talk, a friend to bounce ideas off of…all of that is great. Just don’t get caught up in feeling like you need that person to move forward, or measuring your progress against them or their thoughts.

You know what you want, and you know what you need. You may not know how to get there, and if that’s you then you should certainly seek out someone who knows how to get there. But if someone is telling you how to get there (especially if that someone has not gotten there themselves) you do not have to follow the path they laid out and you do not have to explain to them why you are or are not doing it.

If you’re working a job you don’t love to make ends meet, you are entitled to complain about that job. (Probably don’t do it at work), but you have a right to voice your frustrations to friends and family, and you should be able to do so without hearing “quit your job and move, then.” They don’t know what else you have going on, and quitting your job and moving may not be possible for you at the moment. They don’t need to know that.

If someone is helping you pay for college or any type of training, that should be a gift, or you should write up a document outlining how you will pay them back that you both agree to. But you should not, for example, feel obligated to study business when you want to study art because your parents are paying for college and will only do so if you study business. If the help comes with that kind of crippling stipulation, consider not accepting the help.

Other people are always going to have opinions, we can’t get around that, but we can take their opinions with a grain of salt.

The mountains are not the only place to ski. The ocean is not the only place to boat. Hollywood is not the only place to act. School is not the only place to learn.

Wherever you choose to be and whatever you choose to do to take steps toward your goals are your decisions to make and yours alone. You do not owe an explanation to a single soul on this earth.

Change your major. Move across the country. Drop out of school. Quit your job and go backpacking. Accept a job you hate.

It doesn’t matter.

If you feel it’s the right move for you, do it.

Forget the confused reactions, those telling you you’re wrong, or, my favorite, those telling you you’re unhappy because you choose to be (i.e. Are you sad because you hate your job? You accepted the job. You haven’t quit it. You made yourself unhappy. — okay, because it’s not like we need income to live, right? And new jobs just fall out of the sky.)

I’m rambling now, so I’ll go, but just remember that you owe them nothing. Absolutely nothing.